counting coots

This post is going to be a bit sweary.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Honestly, really sweary.  If you don't like bad language click on one of the other blogs, on the right of this page.  Go the new one, it's got some excellent pictures of Mandarins and Herons and Coots, and he (Fraser Simpson) doesn't seem to swear much.

Otherwise scroll the fuck on down.





Take a look at these fucking fuckwits.

Viewed from the other side of the bank on Wednesday,  I took a photo of them (regardless of the implications of Section 44 cos I'm rock hard me) as the situation looked a bit poncy to me, and I reckon I'm right.  They are fuckwits.  But you say, am I being too harsh too early?  Too judgemental, too world weary.  Let's see shall we?

Basically, here are two floppy haired  sixth form art student twats that have decided that it would be really cool to make some kind of comment on the state of the worlds climate (cos it's all topical and in the news and everything) by doing some kind of 'installation' or whatever they are fucking taught in school these days.  The said 'installation' is a model of a cute polar bear, sittting on a pretend sheet of ice looking all sorrowful and sad-eyed because mankind has properly fucked up the planet.  The pretend last-ice-sheet-in-the-world-ever is made from a polystyrene sheet that is three inches thick.  The whole thing was then set afloat in the Thames while they take pictures of the sad little polar bear, poorliddlepolarbear. 

But I gave them the benefit of the doubt.  I am an ageing pessimistic cynic. They are young and optimisitic.  I was like that once upon a time.  They are trying to highlight an issue that matters to them in one of the few ways that they know how.  By floating a silly bit of plastic with a fluffy toy on top of it in the fucking Thames.  I moved on. 

Yesterday I was again in my new patch within a patch when I saw something on the far bank.  It looked like it might be a dead swan.  A bank of tightly roosting egrets perhaps.  An albino bustard sunbathing?  I lined up the optics and had a look.



Yes, that is what you think it is.  A six foot by three foot lump of bloody polystyrene with straps on to hold a fluffy toy.

Thats right - the floppy haired twats had gone through the motions of taking their oh so important pictures for their poxy fucking art project that was focussing on how shite the world was because we pollute so much and we are all so bad and the prettyliddlepolarbears are all adrift in the big fucking ocean because everything like sucks yeah and we need to fix it like now and then gone and finished off their work by DUMPING THE PLASTIC IN THE FUCKING RIVER!

You stupid fucking idiots.  The level of hypocrisy and sheer fucking stupidity that I have witnessed just beggars belief.  Why do this?  Why pretend that you have any kind of green concerns and/or credentials and then go and pollute and litter so gratuitously? Shame on you, whoever you are.

Rather than sit in my ivory blog tower and rant about it, I borrowed a van and removed the plastic.  Idiots.

Rant over.  Unless something incredible happens today, this blog will shortly be discussing Pintail.

You see this pigeon?

I fucking hate it.

I despise it. I wish it were dead. A bit strong you may think, but it's only a pigeon and I will of course explain why dear reader. Now I'm not one for going around wishing animals or people dead (excepting the odd octogenarian African despot of course), but this pigeon really gets on my bloody tits.

There are plenty of pigeons around here and they spend their time breeding and impersonating other bird species. Why only yesterday I was trying to get on some funny looking Grey Plovers picking their way along the Thames when a dark morph Hobby followed a GBB up the river, just after the Cuckoo was bombing around Wandsworth Park. Except I didn't. Because they were stupid coloured pigeons being bastards. But this one is special. Because it is white. Because it is white and it flies around and it has black bits on it. The initial thing that I see is WOW! Followed a millisecond later by 'oh for fucks sake you stupid fucking pigeon - go awaaaaay!'. It variously impersonates Little Gulls, Little Terns, Pied Kingfishers, Avocets, Owls, Gyrfalcons etc etc and it really winds me up. It also has a habit of flying across my field of view when the optics are up to my eye. Which really winds me up even more. Bastard.

See it again?

Now he's got a friend. And guess what? This pigeon has lovely white spots near the end of it's wings. Just like a fucking Nightjar. Stupid bloody bastard pigeons.

Go awaaaaay! Shoo! Go on - geddout! Bastards.

I watched Nature’s Great Events last night, and the footage of the Gannets was truly spectacular. The distant shots of the large flock machine gunning into the sardine shoal was just stunning. I basically sat in front of the tellybox swearing my tits off as the film got better and better. It wasn’t a conversation, just a one way ornithological tuourette’s. A kind of jizz-jazz free form improv swearing.

“Shiiiiiiiit!”
“Fuuuuuuuuck!”
“Kinelllll!”
“Fuckinhell!”
“Whoooaaaa!”
“Fucking look at that!”
“Fuckin-aaaada!”
“Look!”
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuckinace!”

I found a Stock Dove on the foreshore yesterday, which is only the second time I have seen them in the patch. This is the patch equivalent of african Gannets going ballistic into the sea.

No, I know, I’m struggling to believe that myself.